Dear Mom

Dear Mom,

I sat down to write this letter so many times. I’ve rehearsed this in my head almost everyday. What does one say to their mom? How can I properly put how I feel into words? There’s so many things that have happened, that I want you to be apart of, and I wanted to tell you right away. Do I say how angry I get at times when I need you and you’re not here, or do I write about the times I break down because I force myself to admit you’re not here? Or should I bypass all that and say I’m doing what you would want me to, and be proud of? 

I have persevered against all odds, even when doctors said there was no hope and they didn’t know what to do with me; I did what you did, made the odds possible. I’m finishing college no matter what it takes, and no matter how long it’s taken me. You instilled school being a priority, getting a job, have my own identity since a young age, and I cannot thank you enough for it. My only wish is that you would be here to celebrate in it with me.

Or should I just say how I really feel; I hate that you’re not here and I think about you everyday. Every time something happens, you’re the first person I think of telling. I think the way my mind is wired has kept me hung up on this. I don’t think I ever acknowledge what happened, and I don’t think I’ll ever be able to. My mind blocks out traumatic events from me; I see it as a blessing and a curse. But not a day goes by that I don’t think about you.

I had to see other moms at their high school graduation, I’m graduating soon and you wont be there for that either. What about when I get married? You won't get to meet my future husband and share that excitement of him asking you and showing you the right. I can’t call you after it happens, or have you help me into my wedding dress. You also won't be there when I have my first child.

I think the worst part is you were my bestfriend.

I don’t want to be so negative; there are people who have experienced so much worse. I am so grateful that I had you as a mom while I did. I’m grateful that I share your traits and remind people of you. I think the best thing I have going for me, is that my mind is strong and blocks things out; I’m glad it blocks out the memories of seeing you in pain and seeing you in hospice moments before I said “I love you” for the last time. As much as want nothing more than to have you here with me, I know it’s not where you’re supposed to be.

I want you to know that you were the best mother, the strength you silently showed, and the fight you put up to live will always leave me in awe. I will always think about you and make you proud. I know you’re not suffering or in pain anymore, and that is the only thing that matters. I always think you were taken too soon, and I’ll never be okay with it. However, I am so very grateful for the short time I had with you, and cherish those moments more than I ever imagined I would.

I’ll always be your little girl and your Meg-Peg.

~Love you always,

xoxoxo