A Snippet of My Testimony

Starting classes up again this Spring semester has been hard, and it’s only the end of the fourth day for me. I didn’t plan on taking a semester off, but I sure am glad that it worked out that way. After the past few years I’ve had, it was nice to focus on me, and get back to enjoying life again. Having last semester off gave me a lot of time to think and figure out what I want to do with my life, which if any of you know me, meant do/find anything but that. Although with the start of the new year, it forced to me reflect on events that have happened in the past few years, and they have started to resonate with me. Not many people have heard or know my full testimony, and I don’t share it a lot freely unless you just want to listen to me talk for an hour or more. But I do share what has happened since 2009 (and a little before, for an intro to it). I want to share it here and a little of what it means to me. So bear with me and this long read that I will try to shorten…

(disclaimer; my mind has helped me forget a lot of the traumatic things that have happened, so I do not fully remember every event or the order of it all from when I was sick)

My mom was diagnosed with Stage 4 Colon Cancer, and there was no good news from that statement on. When I was 4 years old my mom had a surgery that was the removal of her whole colon, this is the first one I remember (I think there was one more before this possibly..) When I was in third grade she had another surgery to take a tendon out of her thigh and put it in her abdomen (I won’t get specific). And the last surgery I remember is the removal of her lady inside parts. The cancer was aggressive. My mom never complained, never sought out pity, never made others do things for her, but most importantly she never stopped fighting to live. Sure it wasn’t the best childhood, we didn’t have an overflow of money, but I do have happy memories that money can’t compete with. I wouldn’t wish for anything to go or happen differently. Once I got to high school all my brothers had graduated, leaving a girls party for my mom and I. Well over the summer in 2009 things started to go down hill. My mom was having a tiny little pain in her tailbone, nothing alarming, really more along the lines of annoying. The summer went on and the pain got a little tiny bit more intense each month. She asked around and friends that were in the medical field tried to see if they could help, but no one could put their finger on it. My mom was doing anything to not have to be in a hospital again. School approached for me, I was excited because it was my birthday month and I was going to be an upper class-men in school. However not even a week after my birthday and the first week of school the floor dropped from under my mom and I. For the first time in my entire life I held my mom as she cried from the pain. She was sleeping in my bed, while I was sleeping on the floor next to her. I made sure she got her medicine every hour, got her up when she needed to go to the bathroom, made sure she drank fluids, and tried my best to make the pain go away. Ah but what about school you ask, yes I was still in school. I waited until a neighbor could come sit with her while I was at school, left at 7am and got home at around 6pm. It was a magnet school for Science and Engineering students, so all my classes were advanced and a hard work load. This was too much for a 16 year old, but do I complain, no I wouldn’t change a thing. About a month of this going on and my middle brother moved back in to help, he and a family friend finally convinced her to go to the hospital. I get notified that it’s the cancer and it doesn't look good. It has spread to her bones; her spine and her lungs. They have admitted her to Hospice. When I walk into the room to see her I’m relieved that she isn’t in the pain, but scared because she is on such a high dosage of medicine that she is basically a vegetable. She can’t talk, doesn’t recognize me, and she’s on oxygen. I stand there and hold her hand while she sleeps. This goes on for a few days. While at school I get called into the counselors office, thinking  they just want to make sure I’m doing okay. However as I turn the corner I see a friend and church member in the office. My heart drops to the floor, my face gets hot, and my ears are pounding. “Your moms’ breathing has slowed…” that was all I heard everything after sounded like murmurs. I couldn’t breath or focus. The drive to see her was painfully quiet and went unbearably slow. As I walk down the hallway the sorrow filed eyes watched me as I approached her door. I have to be pushed into her room, because I can’t make myself go in. When I enter I see my brothers, my aunt and poppy (whom I met for the first time ever that day). I walk over to her, she takes my hand, smiles, and mouths “I love you.” After a while I leave and as soon as we get home, there’s a call and silence. My mom has just passed away. I’m in absolute shock; I still am to this day. But, I can’t be too sad, because she is not suffering, not in any pain, and she’s the most astonishing place we all will be one day; Heaven. I know she’s watching down on me. I know her and God are the reason I’m still here today, and my aunt (but I’ll get to that soon).

 My mom always told my brothers and I to get checked since cancer runs in our family. I had known for a while that I was anemic, but not how severe or what it was a sign for. I finally go to the doctor after fainting one too many times. Blood work shows that my iron level is 5.6, when for normal people the lowest it usually is, is 12. Given my family history, the tests and doctor appointments started immediately. First up, colonoscopy, it’s about as fun as it sounds. The results said what we figured they would. I had several hundred polyps and a large mass. Since doctor’s are soooo good with words, they put it gently; “I’m a ticking time-bomb.” Gee thanks. In one day I went to see a geneticists for tests and consultation, a surgeon for an exam and consultation, and an oncologist. I have what’s called F.A.P. Familial Adinomial Polyposis, big words that mean I was born to have colon cancer. It’s genetically inherited, my grandma and mom had it. So with that, the date had been set; December 13th, 2012 I would part with my colon forever. Boy was this not fun, first semester in college and now this. The surgery was good, and I got out a few days before Christmas. The surgeon told me that in six months I would have had full blown stage 4 colon cancer, had I not caught it when I did. Wow. That’ll make you speechless and grateful. However the journey doesn’t end there, unfortunately. I tried to start school up that next semester, when over spring break the other shoe dropped. Three days before I was to return to school I got this horrible stomach pain. I couldn’t eat or drink anything without being sick. I tried to do the whole mind over matter thing and go back to school. Big mistake, the pain got worse and I just laid in bed for a few more days until I finally get to go to the doctors. At this point my abdomen is making some gnarly loud noises that scare the doctors. I get admitted to the hospital where I am yet again another pushpin for doctors, and they are scratching their heads grasping at thin air. I finally start to feel better, when nope I get sick again, so they put in a nose tube. I’m then taken by ambulance to Dallas for emergency surgery. When I wake up I’m told I had a blockage in my small intestine and gain green (i don't know the official spelling). They had to remove part of my small intestine, because of this. Still not done though. When I finally get home, I’m scared to eat or drink anything, and it’s hard to get around. At this point I’ve had to drop out of school, I missed too many days. I get down to 80 pounds, and start getting horrible pains in my hip and thigh region. So, you guessed it, I get another ride in an ambulance to Dallas. I have a tennis ball since abscess and they put in a I.V. for food. I’m not walking, eating, drinking, or do anything at this point. The doctors think I have whats called Phantom Pain Syndrome, and say my only option is to be put into a Convalescent Home; i.e. Hospice. Yes, that’s right, at 19 years old I was told that is my only option. The same place my mom was admitted to and passed away at. Enter my Aunt Ros. She flew to Dallas to get me and fly back to Atlanta where she literally saved my life. She bent over more than backwards for me. And after a month of being with her I was smiling, walking, talking, and getting back to being human again. I did physical therapy everyday, saw lots of doctors still, and even have to go to a therapist. At this point I’m taking 14 different medicines; most of which are for anxiety and depression. But I finally get started in the right direction. So I fly home to finish my classes and get back to “normal” life. Well over the summer I get abscess after abscess after abscess, it’s a very tiring battle, and caused numerous E.R. visits. But by-golly I finally get rid of them. So I’m able to start back in the fall with all my friends. Since then I have had a few more health battles; severe gastritis, ovarian cysts (some bursting), newly diagnosed with lactose intolerance, and severe anemia. But you know what, I’m living, breathing, moving, laughing, eating, exercising, you name it. 

The point is that life’s a rollercoaster, in a dark tunnel, you’re sitting backwards, and it’s underwater. But the glorious and comforting thing about it all, is that God is in control of every single thing. He is holding you through all the struggles and bad times, He is why you have “good luck” when things happen how you want them to, and He is why you don’t have to worry so often. I look back on all the hard times my family and I had, and in every instance I can see God holding our family. I can see the times He was trying to reassure me, and I kept saying “But how is it gonna work out? How will good from all this? How will I be able to be me again, and understand why all this had to happen? “Why me?” Instead I should have been asking God to give me strength and wisdom in those times of uncertainty. When I was scared of how things were going to turn out, looking back I feel silly for being so stressed over it. I see just what God was trying to show me and how He was using me to move in others lives. We are human and can’t help our humanistic nature. But it does give comfort knowing why things happen the way they do, and actually seeing them work themselves out right in front of your eyes. We serve an awesome God my friends. Over the years I have struggled with my relationship with God, though. Often doubting and not trusting Him, because of the hand of cards He dealt me. However I have come to realization that I am extremely blessed, and grateful that God didn’t give up in me. He took me to the deepest, darkest, scariest place imaginable, and never once left my side. He brought me there to show me just how much I really need Him and how much I need to trust Him. I have a strong will, and want to do things my own way. Well, that’s not how it works at all. He is constantly teaching me patience, trust, perseverance, and unconditional love. I have (and continue to do) some stupid things, and yet He stands waiting for me with open arms. No matter how far I wonder off, He is just one single step away ready to catch me when I fall. God is persistent in showing me grace, guidance, love, patience, joy, I mean the list could go on. I lean on God more than I realize, and I love that. Life doesn’t have to be such a struggle, give the bad, ugly, hard, good, whatever you got just give it all to God. He continues to lead me through life, while I excitedly wait for what’s to come. With everything that has happened I can say I have learned one important thing most from my past. It’s simple and obvious, yet so powerful; trust is key, this is all part of a bigger plan.